Responder Wife - Safety Blitz

By: Cindy Sigler Dagnan

     It was an innocent enough request. Could our Kindergarten daughter go out of town with a classmate and her family to spend the night and go to the indoor water park the next day for a birthday treat?

     “Great family!” The teacher enthused. They had ringing endorsements from everyone, and our daughter really wanted to go. Naturally, the quick answer was no.

     In the more complicated answer, our entire family got up early the next morning, drove the hour and a half to meet them at the indoor water park. Satisfied with the surroundings, we let her splash and play with her friend, her friend’s sister and the parents. We hung around town exploring and came back for her at dinner.

     Our two families shared that meal and have been wonderful friends ever since. So, what gives?

     I hadn’t thought of this question until Responder Life’s Clarke Cayton posed a question to me at a workshop, while pointing out the overly cautious lives of First Responders: Were our children allowed to attend sleepovers? Well, yes…and no.

     Often, people who are not well-acquainted with First Responder culture, particularly those in law enforcement, do not understand the reticence with close friendships; the scrutiny that those who are in consideration for the Most Trusted list must undergo.

     But there are facts that all First Responders know: 1 in 4 girls are victims of child molestation; 1 in 6 boys are victims of the same. Homes can be scary, unknown places in which all manner of crimes are committed.

     While I am thankful for my husband’s vigilance in this area [I tend to be so hopelessly naïve and optimistic that he often introduces me to people in this way: “This is my wife, Cindy. She lives in her own world, population one.”], as well as his protection, shielding me from all the awful details of his work, he needs me for something too.

      What is that? A different perspective. As Responder Wives, we can bring balance to the equation of caution. We can and should gently remind our spouses that while there is inarguably a host of evil in this world, there are also good things. Compromise here can be vital. For example sleepovers don’t have to be an automatic no, but solo sleepovers should be reserved for family or close friends. Research shows that age 9 is the ideal age to begin attending sleepovers, as children more consistently stand up for themselves and report inappropriate behavior.

Other great cautions to balance the very real fear:

• Offer to have the friend have a slumber party at your home.
• Don’t be afraid to ask what adult supervision will be like – are guns locked up; will they limit movies to PG or G ratings; are there older siblings in the home.
• Make sure your child knows that you will come and get them no matter what time it is, should they feel uncomfortable.
• Make sure they realize that they can tell adults ‘No.” Swimsuit areas are private and no one other than a doctor (with mom or dad’s permission) needs to see or touch them.
• If you’re concerned, host a play date at your home and get to know more about the family. 
• Our girls know there are “weekday” friends for play dates at our house  and then there are “weekend” friends, those whose values and morals reflect what is being taught at our house; whose homes are places where we feel comfortable allowing our children to spend the night.
• First Responder bias or not, all of us have responsibility to be the parent. There will be plenty of time for friendship with our children. For now, we need to make the tough calls, enforce boundaries and keep them safe.

     Sometimes, compromise just isn’t possible, and we need to know when to give in to our spouse’s judgment, instincts or evidence. For example, in our house, the rule is that no one can go to camp without a parent. I had wonderful experiences growing up in church camp, but then, my daddy was a minister and often present with me. Greg worked too many cases where camps served as a Mecca for pedophiles. So during the elementary years, I am always at camp with our girls.

     Instead of digging in and arguing my case, I’ve learned that showing my husband that I am prepared with reasonable caution and willing to listen to his side, can allow my girls a safe childhood without missing out on the fun.

Comments

[NYPD wife :o)]

We not only have to work with the overly cautious attitudes of our husbands - but also our own Christian convictions. As the kids get older it seems to get more difficult and complicated. With a daughter in high school and a son in middle school in the NY metro area I find myself making constant calls to parents to be certain that someone's home. Our pick-up times are earlier, we are more strict about where kids can hang out in our house (mixed genders in the living room only) and we tend to embaress our kids more frequently (I think of it as payback - just kidding) with the 20 question routine as it involves friends - particularly of the opposite gender.

But - as I tell my kids - we should make no apologies. We are the ones who ultimately have to answer to God for how we raised our kids. As it is I'll have more to answer for than I'd like - so the caution is not an issue for us.